Ramblings about 42

12:49am: Portal for the win!
Beat portals. That game was surprisingly good for me not expecting it at all.

Here are the end credits. This song is great.

10:37am: Just to keep the count moving up
Its a Friday. I don't particularly want to get any work done. Well, I do, I just don't want to do it. Was browsing a few other journals, figured I'd post just to remove that last entry off of the top of my page.

Big week this week. Got a new Zojirushi Rice Cooker as well as a Zojirushi Electric Grill so I can start cooking for myself again. The grill is great. I miss bbqing, and this almost makes up for it. Cooks a mean steak. The cooker should be arriving today or Monday, so I'll be all set to make any rice based meal I desire. I'm thinking about getting one of these so I can carry warm beverages through those cold snowy walks to work, but will wait till the next paycheck clears and round of bills goes through. I got one for jennifairy11, and she says it works great. Kept her beverage hot all day. To go along with those walks, I need to get Yaktrax so I don't fall on my ass during those snowy and icy winter walks.

On a similar subject, the Flickr group Mr Bento Porn is very amusing. For those of you who don't know, the Mr. Bento Stainless Steel Lunch Jar is another excellent Zojirushi product, for those of you who like making four item meals for lunch every morning and keeping them warm till you eat them (not me, I barely wake up in time for breakfast).

And, of course, the week is not big merely because of my rampant consumerism. At work, my 4 month development project is nearing completion. Just small tweaks here and there, then the long label integration. Pretty excited. It was a sorta long and bumpy road, but certainly my biggest project to date at the company. Learned a lot about image manipulation and conversion, about postscript printing and stream IO handling. All lots of fun.

On a more negative note, the roofers are back today, and they are gluing/burning/whatever and the fumes are back. Makes it even less likely I'll get much done.

And my late waking this morning won't cost me financially, the boss is buying everyone pizza so I don't have to go out for lunch.

4:22pm: Which sexual position is best for you?(men)

You scored as Cowgirl Position. he cowgirl position is a woman on top position which allows the woman to be in control of everything from penetration to rythm and puts the man in the submissive position. It allows the man to view the woman and also see his penis entering her vagina. Breasts and the lips and face all with easy access also she can stimulate the mans balls, anus or whatever the whole time just by leaning back. There are many many variations to this position try the reverse cowgirl it's a favorite of many! </td> Cowgirl Position 90% Doggie-style position 85% Anal sex 80% Oral sex / 69 70% Missionary Position 45% Bi-Sexual 0% Which sexual position is best for you?(men) created with QuizFarm.com

One for women

3:09pm: Good ole Engrish
On a packing slip I got in a package from Germany: "OUR TERMS AND CONDITIONS ARE EFFECTIVE!"

1:46am: gone crazy
be back later

7:36am: I have no idea where to post this, but I think its pretty funny
http://www.uncrate.com/men/style/shoes/reef-dram-sandal/

10:38am: April Fools Confusion
Its april fools and I don't have a single good prank ready. What should I do?

2:22pm: What does my birthday mean?

Your Birthdate: March 19

You are resilient, and no doubt your resilience has already been tested. You've had some difficult experiences in your life, but you are wise from them. Having had to grow up quickly, you tend to discount the advice of others. You tend to be a loner, having learned that the only person you can depend on is yourself. Your strength: Well developed stability and confidence Your weakness: Suspicion of others Your power color: Eggplant Your power symbol: Spade Your power month: October

10:01am: Which Biological Molecule Am I?

10:52am: Ah, livejournal
The only reason I have this, pretty much, is for stupid communities like bad_sex and wtf_inc. That and I like being stalkerish and reading all of jennifairy11's old journal entries.

Might as well make a realish post now and again, though. Hrmm, my 2nd "ish". Maybe I'll just start adding that to randomish words.
( Cut because I care )

2:31am: Fine
Yes, its a dead livejournal, blah blah blah. I don't post here anymore, I barely post anywhere. But its not like anybody reads this. Most recent/relevant information is on myspace.

http://www.sinulate.com/TechTV.html

8:43pm: I hardly update enough
I havn't been able to write at all lately. I feel... inadaquate to the task. I have about a dozen short stories saved at various places, all started, none finished. Dozens more in my head. All crap, none anything close to what I want to say.

I still feel there is something important, something big, for me to say. I still do not know what it is. I feel a block, but I do not know what it consists of. Every time I try to write it disolves into pathetic melodramatic pitty me writing like all the rest. Something basic isn't appeased.

I'm frustrated with everyone, everything, just a general additude of frustration with my life. I have trouble accepting the things I cannot change, and deciding the things that I can are worthwhile changing.

I find myself continually afraid to be myself.

I don't know how to talk about it. My mom thinks I should see a therapist... not because I'm falling apart, but quite the opposite. I hold things in too well, I don't feel things, not truely. Well, that is not entierly true. But I never reveal an unfiltered emotion. It takes a lot of effort to bypass that part of mind, a lot of motivation, at least.

It is a childhood responce thats carried over to now. It passes away when I'm drunk, somewhat, but those emotions are tained, so it doesn't really matter, it is no more honest.

... thats enough for tonight, need to watch Lost. Surprisingly good series, damn me for following the croud.

11:18pm: Another week is done
Not sure what to say about it. Another week, another dollar, whatever.

Work is exhausting. I took on a project I really shouldn't have, worked my ass off for it, and there we go, days of work down the drain, nothing in it for me. I gotta stop doing this.

An exhausting week, overall, really. Monday I got an eye infection, took a couple days to clear up. But hurt like hell while it was there, and couldn't see out of it, made it just about impossible to focus on anything, and therefore just about impossible to work. Great start to a week.

Been trying to figure out what to do to get more social. I'm thinking of taking dance lessons, that might be fun, social, meet new people. Gotta lose some weight, though, been stress eating a lot lately. Not the heaviest I've been, but probably the most out of shape. I've been working out some, its been helping, I think. Least I'm sore from it. That's usually a good sign.

Sometimes I feel I lack conviction. I don't try to convince people I'm right nearly so much anymore. Its just pointless. I'm too focused on myself, I think. Of course, I have no one else to be focused on, so if I wasn't focused on myself, I just wouldn't be focused, and thats not good.

I feel like there's somethin in me waitin to come out. Not sure why. Perhaps cause there is, just not tramatized enough to let my guard down ATM. Even to myself. Especially to myself?

I almost feel sorry for the one who finally gets me to open up again, but won't go there right now.

Won't go anywhere right now. Except bed. Maybe I'll have something intelligent to say one of these days. I doubt it. I think I've turned that portion of my brain off a while ago, and lack new revelations because of that. Probably too focused on work, too. It'll all even out, eventually.

10:36pm: So much to say
And no one to say it to, except those of you who might read this.

I don't know how to lift myself out of this funk, and I'm afraid of what will happen if I try, I'm afraid of falling down again, more so because I know I will fall down again, its inevitable in the process.

That's all there is to it. I don't feel like making another ranting and raving post. It doesn't help that I'm ill.

12:25am: Another night, another nightmare
Sleep scheule shifting, night more and more home, once more.

I'm exhausted and wired, ready to colapse and ready to run around the block. Tomorrow is Friday, the weekend will not hold enough distraction before Monday comes around again.

Death, destruction, disturbance, distress, denial, deviance.

My life plays like a depressed scrabble board.

I need to calm down, don't know how. I hurt all over from the strain.

I shouldn't be this worked up, reality is I have it fairly good.

I want to scream into the night, though the sunset and sunrise and the time inbetween.

I want to curl up into a ball, cover myself with a blanket, and never wake up.

I don't want to dream.

To myself my poetry sounds childish and petty, pointless, meaningless, but I still want to write it. I don't know whats going on in my mind, why I'm like this? Am I doing this to myself? Too much caffiene? Too much reading? Too little activity? I don't know

Maybe I should go for a walk. Its a pleasant enough night, and I can listen to music as I wander around aimlessly.

To some, the night is yet quite young.

I, I, I, I, I speak of myself too much, I am concerned too much with myself, have too little else to focus on. Never in my life have I had nothing to worry about but myself. Maybe that is a problem? Now, now, now, now I always cry... maybe if I involved myself in groups this wouldn't happen? Maybe if I had something outside of my personal profit and well being to focus on I would be less self-destructivly introspective.

For years that was Julie, before that I had various groups and things that were really meaningless to me, but distracting, and valuable in their own ways, and constructive.

I think that's what I need. Too bad Chico is dead during the summer, people I know have gone away, my cousin has left town, as have a few other random people I know, leaving me with few to interact or socialize with.

I find no value in myself outside of others. I'm not sure what that says about me.

Going for a walk/jog/whatever. Hopefully that'll help me calm down.

Goodnight

12:39am: Late thoughts
I feel strange tonight

A fissure, a crack, a line of doubt down my venere of certainty.

A feel like I will vomit.

I don't know what is going on in my head. Thoughts mix, swirl dizzingly in my head. Threataning me with clarity, but never following through.

A little clarity amongst the chaos would be nice.

Mo stomach churns for no reason. Stress turns cohesive in my gut.

All I want to do is sleep.

I need a hug.

1:04am: First entry, another weekend
I feel like venting, so here I am.

Never posted here before, though I've had it for a while. I'm a bit pissy tonight, so here I go to post.

Up late on a saturday night, alone as usual, and I just nearly choked on my gum... that was unexpected.

Watching Bourne Supremacy for no good reason, just cause I don't want to sleep... but I don't want to do anything.

( Just cutting for space )